我到底是誰?

160. The self is the master of the self. Who else can that master be? With the self fully subdued, one obtains the sublime refuge which is very difficult to achieve.
-- Buddha

I see myself everyday, after everything when it is all calm I think over what I've done and how others probably view the things that happened. Everytime I see myself through their eyes, I'm just a bluffing idiot. I've changed myself a lot for my friends, and it's something I did intentionally. When my 2 of my friends were called 'emo' or 'gothic' while I was ignored, I was jealous. But 'emo' isn't something to be proud of. But I do get proud of it. I'm probably just a wannabe. When one of my friends in the grade above pointed out how most of our group was pretty perverted, I realized that it was fairly true. It's not like a grossly perverted, but everyone has that little flame in them. I suddenly changed from the musical me into a person who pointed out things only a fangirl would notice just for a person because ㄨ accepted this group the way they were. BL became my life. It's another carve into me. But I'm going to change back. I don't want to be someone I'm not. I'm not emo. I'm not a fangirl. I'm not someone who's head-deep into BL (I'm probably only up to the waist).

Like Buddha, I want to help myself before I drown. Once I've resurface, then I have the ability to help others. I need to stop trying for the attention I don't have. Star, Aquarius, and my name--I didn't listen to the omens the tarots and horoscopes told me. Now I regret. I really want to calm down now. Like how I used to be....much more quiet.

--小欣

小璇

小璇是我朋友裡面涮是best friend的. 我們兩個有時候很像. 今天我讀了她寫的blog後就感覺心痛. 雖然我被xx叫softhearted, 但是我是真的感覺很guilty. As I've mentioned before, I love my friends, so it hurts to find out how the chain that held us for 2 years was crumbling. I want to stop that from happening, but it's really hard to stay away from 小鈞. If I was a sugar addict, he'd be the cheesecake. The only reason I get so mentally attached to him is because I know that he has no interest in me other than friendship. But this solid pull breaks the chain further. I haven't been paying a lot of attention to 小璇 and it has negative consequences. If I lost her, then my life would have another hole. I'd have lost another 'best friend' and probably fall into the depression I did in 7th. I'm not sure really on what'd happen to me, but I know it's not good. I feel like I'm pointing out too many negative things about her. How it often feels like she flirts too often or that she has too high a confidence like 小Potatoe. I feel so guilty to have these negative thoughts of one of my closest friends.
But I just don't know what to do.

~小欣

Friendship

不是我不喜歡朋友. I really love them…I’m born Aquarius and paranoid. So I used to have feelings that no one like me and all the emo things. It was more like I’m wasn't appreciated. Although I feel a comfortable aura when I’m with them, and that I’m accepted, there’s something there. I don’t know what it is, but is it possible that I’m really irritating? I feel like I’m getting pushed out by some of them, but sometimes when I’m talking to them, they’re normal and I don’t feel anything. It could be that my territorial-attitude is coming back, and that’s not good. But I find myself able to attach from friend to friend, though I’m always drawn strongly towards 小鈞. 大Z seems to be fine with being around me (everytime I see him, I see him as a brother). 小珍 seems fine still; she and 小桂still come find me (less for 小桂). I guess I've changed a lot though. I can't look and think that they want me to be with them, but I can look at them and not think that they don't want me to be with them. I guess I've healed a lot from my previous life. I've been laughing, joking, and smiling a lot. I've changed from the reclusive person I once was to what I am now. It's weird. Strange how a person can change so much in 2 years. I still swear every now and then.

I also just noticed how less my DeviantArt account was commented on, with the exception of my friends. But otherwise, my art isn't really commented or at least criticized. If you want to be nice cuz you're feeling warm and fuzzy, visit here and comment =} It'll make my day much more than favs.

~小欣

5927, Yullen, or of such

不知道為什麼但是我超級愛the BL pairing so known as Yullen, standing for Yuu Kanda and Allen Walker. 太可愛了! >///<

(picture by Mishuky)

Yes, I'm not a homophobic person unlike some people out there, so when I see nice pairings that I like, I probably go balistic. But honestly, I hate smut and personally think of it as one of the most disgusting thing ever. Those things that fangirls make are practically porn and that's disturbing. Just plain fluff on the other hand, is much more reasonable to me, as it's not like every pairing in the world want's to go and do things. 愛示愛, that is that.

My opinion, and mine only. This is a short post because I'm very much aware of what an uncomfortable topic this is, but it's my blog anyways. Rofl. 秤現在機會逃吧.

~小欣

我的生活

今天學校下課我就已經興情不太好了.

During the entire day, I felt that everything that people said where things that were said before. Everything was 無聊and repeated. It was like listening to the same conversation that happened a year ago. It was seriously annoying.

Almost every day, I'd hear my one of my best friends rant on about '喔!他有夠rude的!他...' and on and on. I really do get sick of it--honestly. In addition, there are times when I see her communicating to the guys in our school and it looks like she's flirting with them. Take for example: Today when she handed her mp3 to 小名(I'll refer to people with a 小_), he was looking through her songs, but then she laughed and commented how he was 'molesting her mp3'. Technically, you can't molest an mp3. I really hate talking behind my friends' backs, but this is my blog and my honest feelings. If you can't stand seeing the content, then don't read it. 去看別人的, don't read mine.

It's not that my blog's completely about bad things about my friends. That's just mean. I talk about things that happen too in school or my sad [dammit xD] emo life. So understand what I use this for before you bias it for a rant-blog.

Rofl. I'm harsh and I know it =)
~小欣