我到底是誰?

160. The self is the master of the self. Who else can that master be? With the self fully subdued, one obtains the sublime refuge which is very difficult to achieve.
-- Buddha

I see myself everyday, after everything when it is all calm I think over what I've done and how others probably view the things that happened. Everytime I see myself through their eyes, I'm just a bluffing idiot. I've changed myself a lot for my friends, and it's something I did intentionally. When my 2 of my friends were called 'emo' or 'gothic' while I was ignored, I was jealous. But 'emo' isn't something to be proud of. But I do get proud of it. I'm probably just a wannabe. When one of my friends in the grade above pointed out how most of our group was pretty perverted, I realized that it was fairly true. It's not like a grossly perverted, but everyone has that little flame in them. I suddenly changed from the musical me into a person who pointed out things only a fangirl would notice just for a person because ㄨ accepted this group the way they were. BL became my life. It's another carve into me. But I'm going to change back. I don't want to be someone I'm not. I'm not emo. I'm not a fangirl. I'm not someone who's head-deep into BL (I'm probably only up to the waist).

Like Buddha, I want to help myself before I drown. Once I've resurface, then I have the ability to help others. I need to stop trying for the attention I don't have. Star, Aquarius, and my name--I didn't listen to the omens the tarots and horoscopes told me. Now I regret. I really want to calm down now. Like how I used to be....much more quiet.

--小欣